Sometimes we have matchmaking clients who wonder if they’re being too picky.
To them we say: it’s great to be picky! Choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. So much of your future happiness hinges on it! It’s absolutely vital for you to be choosy in order to choose wisely.
But sometimes we have matchmaking clients who roll out a list of what they need/want in a partner that is eleventy million items long.
These are clients who won’t be happy until they find a 39-year-old Christian Grey clone in a pinstriped Gucci suit who is exactly six foot two inches tall, drives a Ferrari, has a full head of hair and has never been married before (no kids either, please).
Or clients who won’t settle down until they find a blonde, fit, large-breasted Swedish ski instructor and former Olympian at least 15 years their junior who is adventurous in the sack but who hasn’t slept with too many people (maximum four. Maaaaybe five if one was a chick).
To them we say: perhaps you’re being a little too picky, Chad/Becky?
There’s a fine balance we all must strike in dating. We have to ensure that the person we date is the right fit for us (similar values, similar worldview, similar interests, complementary temperaments, compatible senses of humour, treats us with respect and tenderness, physically attracted to each other, want the same thing/s out of life, etc.) but we also have to live within the realm of freaking reality.
Something we have to gently remind clients from time to time is that, when you come to a matchmaker, you still live in the exact same world you lived in before. And the exact same people inhabit this world as they did before you met with your matchmaker. We cannot create a Black Mirror-style new reality for you — one where a Swedish ski instructor finds you utterly charming and you can reprogram her personality to suit. And your matchmaker certainly cannot create new human beings out of clay and breathe sweet life into them specifically so that they may date and ultimately wed you. Sorry!
So how can you get away from being unrealistically picky?
First — I need you to throw away your grocery list and focus on what really matters. Ask yourself: what are three things you absolutely need in a partner to be happy?
Three things that you cannot live without in a person.
Go ahead. Write them down. I’ll wait.
...
Have you written them down yet? Really, I'm very happy to wait!
...
...
Okay, yay! What are your three things?
If the first thing you request is something physical (height, body type, eye colour), kindly rip up your list and start again.
I used to have a list of about twenty items. Then, I distilled the list down to three items that I absolutely cannot live without in a partner and they have served me well. Because I finally discovered where my true relationship priorities lie.
My Top Three, in no particular order:
1) Smart
2) Funny
3) Kind
What’s your Top Three?
1)
2)
3)
That’s good! That’s great!
The Christian Grey clone in the Ferrari may not exist (and if he does, he’s probably not single). The Swedish former Olympian may not exist (and if she does, you’re probably not her type).
But that person you just described up there?
That person exists. And they’re wonderful. And they would be delighted to date you.
Now go find them.
(Or hire us to find them for you.)
xo,
Sofi Papamarko
Founder and Platinum Toronto Matchmaker
Friend of a Friend Matchmaking